Carbohydrates are like assholes – you shouldn’t put them near your mouth.
Speaking of assholes, Crossfit is more popular than ever. I have no problem with the “sport” itself – there are a lot of good aspects to it – but I do have problems with pedantic douchebags wearing individually-toed shoes. Yeah? Your normal shoes were too bulky to front squat the bar? You couldn’t feel the toe drive when you were deadlifting 100lbs in your Nike Free’s, so you had to downsize? Because some tribe in Mexico runs barefoot, you thought it was a good idea to spend $100 on Vibram Fivefingers? If you want to know what it feels like to run barefoot, run fucking barefoot. Shoes were invented for a reason – because running barefoot fucking sucks. You spent $100 on the most foolish-looking foot apparel to know what it feels like to be too poor to afford shoes.
Each shoe’d toe makes up the first 10 reasons to hate Crossfitters. The following 5 reasons involve the self-righteous “Paleo Diet.” As the theory goes, the paleolithic man was so virile, yoked, and good at burpees that we should emulate his dietary lifestyle. That means no dairy, cereal grains, sugar, legumes, salt, et cetera. That translates into “eat a fuck-ton of quinoa and egg whites because Crossfit said so.”
I want to pioneer the “Veloci Diet” – trademark effective immediately. If you’re wondering whether a certain food is off limits or not, ask yourself, “would a Velociraptor eat this?”
Strawberry Milkshake? Nope. Their nails are too sharp to milk a cow without lacerating its teets, and they didn’t have the ingenuity or opposable thumbs to refine high fructose corn syrup.
Quinoa Black Bean Cakes? Negative. Though able to open a can of black beans, Velociraptors wouldn’t know how to boil a pot of free-range chicken stock to cook the quinoa in.
Oatmeal With Chia Seeds? Fuck that. Raptors hated pretentious superfoods with limited scientific backing. Do you know what anti-oxidants do? No, no one does. It’s like gluten; it’s just a word that Whole Foods made up to boost sales.
Side of Raw Beef? Absolutely. Eat as much undercooked animal protein as possible and disregard words like “e.coli,” “salmonella,” and “mercury poisoning” – it’s just a bunch of liberal bullshit. There are reasons herds of Brontosauri were shitting their long-necked pants during the Campanian stage of the Cretaceous Period (what up, Wikipedia!); Velociraptors are meat-consuming machines.
Kale Chips? Equivocation. Raptors and human digestive tracts differ in many ways. For instance, raptors didn’t have to worry about colon cancer. Eat enough plant products to keep the meat moving efficiently through your system, but not too much, because of moderation.
Since it seems like neither the Paleo Diet nor the Veloci Diet is a good option, I decided to say fuck it and jam-pack as many macronutrients into these supplement bars as possible.
530 cal, 38g protein, 27g carbs, 35g fat, and 5g creatine later…
Syntha-6 Almond Bars
(Creatine is the lifeblood that fuels the dreams of champions)
(Makes 12 bars)
6 cups BSN Syntha 6 protein powder (official protein powder of the UFC)
6 cups almond meal (Almond Flour)
1 cup almond butter
3 cups almond milk
10 tsp creatine monohydrate
1) Throw everything into the biggest mixing bowl, and mash it together until it forms a dough. It doesn’t seem like it should work, but it just does in a miracle of culinary bro-science.
2) If it doesn’t work, fuck with the consistencies until it does. Too much moisture; add more almond flour and protein powder. If it is too powdery and dry, add more almond milk. This isn’t baking or blood doping; it’s not an exact science. Your dough should look something like this:
3) Sprinkle some protein powder on a large flat surface, so your dough doesn’t stick when rolling it out. Throw that big ass ball of nutrients on the surface, sprinkle more protein powder on top and roll it out to about 1 1/2 inches thick. As you can see in the picture above, I don’t own a rolling pin, so a bottle of Smirnoff works just fine.
4) Cut it into bar-shaped pieces. Make sure to taste-test it along the way. You should be able to taste the sweetness of the sorbitol in the protein powder with the earthiness of the almonds juxtaposed against the bitter metallic taste of pure creatine monohydrate. A balanced dish.
Toppings and Customizations
2 Bars of 88% dark cacao chocolate
1 cup diced slivered almonds
1 cup dried cherries
1) Make a double boiler – fill a large sauce pot 1/3 of the way up with hot water and heat on high until a rapid boil starts. Put your metal mixing bowl on top of the boiling pot, making sure that the water does not come in direct contact with the bowl.
2) Roughly chop your chocolate bars and throw the shards into said double boiler, stirring with a wooden spoon to ensure even melting. When melted all the way through, pour the chocolate onto a flat surface.
3) Dip the largest surface area of the bar into the melted chocolate and sprinkle it with almonds and cherries because it looks cool as shit and adds another dimension of taste. Repeat step 3 for all the bars.
4) Complete 5×5 snatch-grip deadlifts at 85% of your 1RM, and eat immediately afterward.